Promise of a Lifetime

I think I've come to an emotional low lately. My life hasn't been...constant, for want of a better word: Finish up work at AiG; move to Kansas City; attempt to find job; attempt to settle in room; attempt to find job, yet again; fill out 8 applications; make an emergency trip to Minneapolis; Grandpa dies; the long week before the funeral; the funeral; trip back to Kansas City with Dad; fill out more applications; another attempt at settling into my room; more applications; sit and wait.
Not too typical of a normal lifestyle, I suppose. But this is only from my life. I have no idea what other people are going through, but I'm sure that someone out there is having a worse time at it that I am. It's just the way life is.
But then I realized - I am trying to do this on my own. And then I chatted with a friend. At one point, he was looking for a job, and was having a hard time of it. He told me he had filled out 80-some applications. In our chat session, he said, "With me I got to the point where I said, 'God I have to have a job to survive. Please help me.' I got to the point where I thought I was going to have nothing and boom I got a job. It taught me God does stuff in His own time." And later in the session: "and so did I and it got to the point where I realized, 'God I can't do this on my own I desperately need You and I give it all to You. a couple days later I had two jobs."
And then my friend went on to say this: "Yeah He lets us mess it up so bad that we can't even move so we have no choice but to go to Him and He almost instantly fixes a problem that took us months to mess up." We're the ones that mess things up. Whether or not it's how we planned things, it's what happens. It's what happens when we don't let God have control. It doesn't take much for us to mess something up, and then we get ourselves into a fix. Then we get frustrated, upset, etc., and no one wants to be around us.
I don't know what clouded my vision, blinding me from seeing what really matters. What I let creep into my life caused so much doubt and confusion that I don't know what I want to do with my life. I had it all planned out, and then...
And then I don't know what. I let the cares of this world, and the treasures of the earth fill my life, and here I sit, trying to figure out who I am. Sitting and waiting for someone or something to fulfill the desires of my heart. But they can't be filled by anyone but God. I know that for a fact.
So why didn't I trust Him? Why didn't I allow Him to have total and complete access to my life? Why has it taken me this long to figure out that I can't do it all on my own? WHY???
I'm human. Plain and simple. Not an excuse, but a fact. Humans fall. Humans fail. That's the way it's been since the Garden of Eden. And that's the way it will be until the day we die.
But because I'm human, and I can't do it myself, I need to trust God. He's the One, the ONLY One, that can guide my life.
I'm near tears as I type this (emotional low, remember?). But maybe I'm at the climax. I think I'm actually getting it this time. Amazing.
I was listening to the radio while cleaning up the kitchen today, and a song played. One that I have on my iPod and have heard numerous times. But today, it was like hearing it for the first time. The song talks about God's promise to us as believers, and how it's a forever promise. We can grasp and hold on to that promise without any fear of it being taken away. I stood and cried as I listened. It goes as follows:

Promise of a Lifetime
Kutless

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted

I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

It's not like it's a new revelation or anything like that. It's always been there, but I never reallly grasped onto it for myself.
Shame on me for not doing that in the beginning. Shame on me for not believing that God would give me something that would fit my needs and best glorify Himself in me. Shame on me for not being willing to change. Shame on me.

But now, I see that He will not fail me. I just need to not fail Him.

God, I know You're always there to hear my every prayer inside, and I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime. I hear the words you say to never walk away from me and leave behind the promise of a lifetime. But now, God, I ask that I will be faithful to You and that my life would reflect who You are. Please help me, because I can't do it on my own. My hands are empty and my heart is full of pain from the past, that I can't breathe. Please cleanse my heart and fill my hands with Your treasures. Help me be willing to cleanse my life of anything that You find displeasing. And please help me be able to do it without a backward glance. I'm tired of running away - I'm running to You. I'm tired of feeling like there's nothing worth living for - I want to live for You. I'm tired of acting - I want to be real. Please help me. Please be my Guide. Please be the One who fulfills my every desire. Please be the Lord of my life. I love You. I know I don't always show it or say it. But I do. Thank You for loving me enough to send Your One and Only Son to die on the cross for my sins. Please forgive me of the sins that I have committed against You that have caused a rift in our relationship. Help me not to let anything get in the way again. I am spent. I need You to hold me. I need You to guide me. In Jesus' name, amen.