Missing the mark?

I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but...I'm really bad at reading people. I'm especially bad at reading guys. I live in the age of sex is all there is to it, but I want the age of romance. But when the guy that I'm interested in talks about finding the one who completes him, I get the idea that he's still looking, and hasn't found her yet. Which would either leave me out of the picture or else he hasn't figured it out yet. Am I jumping to conclusions? I tend to do that sometimes...er, rather, often. I'm still working on the patience issue. I'm just afraid that I'll miss the boat. The comfort for me would be that if I miss the boat, but know I wasn't to be on it anyhow, then it would be ok...

Figuring it out...

So I was thinking, and that can be a scary notion...Anyhow, I've been trying to figure out what exactly I want to do in life, what I want to accomplish, what's important, etc. I majored in graphic design for 2 years, and want to get a photographer's degree. I also want to finish my Bible major. But the fact is, I don't want to be in school for the next 6 years. It would tie me down, and I don't want that. It's not THAT important to me. Sure, getting a degree would be nice, but unless I'm going to use it for ministry, I really don't want it that bad. I know, I know...finish now or you'll regret it later. Well, what I've concluded is that I want to finish the Bible degree and get a 2 year photography degree. I don't want to finish my graphic design major. I've learned what I want, except for Publisher, and I know enough in order to do what I want, and that's freelance. I don't really have a burning desire to work for some marketing agency for the next 30 years. I'd rather have my hands free to raise a family, help people out on a more personal level. It's not about getting to the top - it's about making a difference. That's what's important to me. So will I regret not getting my graphic design degree? Probably. Most likely. But I would regret even more that I did not take more time helping people and being a ready available wife and mother (if that's God's will for me). I don't want to miss out on that.

Huh??

When an opportunity arises for something beneficial, why would the door get shut? Twice, within a week's time, I received opportunities for jobs in marketing firms where the positions applied for were at entry level. And twice I didn't get the job. Why? I'm not bitter. I'm not angry. I just don't get it. Maybe I'm not ambitious enough. Maybe I don't have high enough expectations of myself. Maybe my goals are not what they wanted. I don't know.
But I do know this: If God wanted me to have the job, He would have given it to me. Plain and simple. Clearly, He didn't. And I'm OK with that. Really. He provided me this job at Bath & Body Works, and I will work it to the best of my ability. I think I realized that He's giving me a better opportunity to take classes while I work. I could do that just as well with an office job at a marketing firm, but I also wanted to keep working at B&BW. So that would have been way too much going on, and too little time for anything else. At least now I can take a class and have time to study, too...brilliant, 'eh? Yeah, I thought so. :-)
Anyways, I guess my point is that I'm finally seeing things. It's finally making sense. God is working, He's being patient with me, and continually teaching me things that I keep forgetting or ignoring...He's so good! He wants more of my time, and that's just fine with me. He's providing for me, and I can give back to Him. He's also allowing me more time with someone that may be of permanence... I can handle that. :-)

Slow down...slow dance

Please slow this down, I want to figure it out...
Please slow down, so I know what to do...
Please slow down, I want to know you...
Please slow down...

And join me in this
Slow dance,
The slow dance of life...
We don't have much time,
But we need to make the most of it.
Slow dance,
The slow dance of life.
Dance with me.

I've waited my whole life for this,
So I don't want to miss out on anything.
I need to see if you're for real,
I need to see if you want the same thing.

Because we don't know what tomorrow will bring,
We have no guarantees.
So let's walk right through the opening
And see what lies on the other side.

Join me in this
Slow dance,
The slow dance of life...
We don't have much time,
But we need to make the most of it.
Slow dance,
The slow dance of life.
Dance with me.

Slow down,
And slow dance.

~Amy~

My cup runneth over...

I seem to have a hard time carrying a cup without spilling anything. Actually, it's more like trying to carry the dog's water dishes. But my clumsy hands shake and spill water over the sides, ruining the ease of sweeping the kitchen floor.
When I look at the circumstances I'm in, I often feel pessimistic. I don't look at the glass as half full, but rather, almost empty. So I finish it off and leave it alone. Refill? Not always.
But then I find that when the good times get going, the glass gets more full, closer to the brim. Then the water is overflowing, spilling on the floor, and it keeps on filling up. Like a fountain. It keeps going over the sides.
So in the tough times, I find that pessimism doesn't really leave me with many options. I can finish the glass and leave it on the counter. Or, I can leave the glass alone and just walk away. But if I look at the half full and still filling glass, I will see a lot more options. Keep on carrying the glass, keep on following the Creator, look for the positive aspects in life. Keep on keeping on.
When you feel like the glass is getting too empty, remember: The blessings come with optimism, and the optimism comes from seeing the bigger picture. Life is hard, but it's an adventure. And it gets better as your glass overflows.


"I have a hard time keeping the glass even half full sometimes. But every time it gets emptied, I turn around only to find it filled to overflowing again. And I know that it's by God's grace that I can carry on."

Peace.
Amy

Why I Am Kissing Dating Goodbye

I have never been on a date. Ever. Well, except for the ones that my dad took us girls out on. But aside from that, I have never been out with a guy, couple or group setting, on an official date. Do I think I’ve missed out? Well, I used to think that way. But not anymore. I have decided that I am going to wait. I am not going to go on any dates that will compromise my promise to my future husband (if God chooses to bless me so). If I do not see the guy as my potential husband, then I will end the interest right there. I don’t want to cause any guy any pain. I want my brothers in Christ to be blessed by our friendship, not pained. I struggle with knowing what God’s will is concerning this, but I have concluded that for now, I will remain single and satisfied in Him. He is the one true relationship that I seek and that I need to survive. None other can compare.
This does not mean that I will not date! It simply means that I will not date until I know that the guy is to be my husband. And even then, I will be careful and make sure that I do not place him or myself in any situation that will cause sin or questioning from outside parties.
Yes, I have been reading the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. It has helped me tremendously to see the wrong idea I had about dating. It is not my only source for this decision, but it has certainly helped. And I know some of you think I’m weird/crazy/silly etc. :-) I know. But it’s ok. No one has to like or agree with my stand. I have only just given my life completely to God, and this has to go to Him too. So if I can strengthen my relationship with Christ first, then I can think about pursuing a relationship with a man who can encourage me in keeping my relationship with Christ strong.
From the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians, the marriage chapter, I quote from chapter 7:32-35 of the first book: “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
Paul gave the example as a single man. After his conversion, he lived his life for the Lord. And what a dynamic life it was! I guess that’s one of the reasons he’s my favorite Bible character, aside from the life of Christ.
Ok, that’s all for now about that. After I finish the book (I’m only on the sixth chapter), I may write another summary. Until then, I’ve kissed dating goodbye. :-)

Peace.

Amy

Promise of a Lifetime

I think I've come to an emotional low lately. My life hasn't been...constant, for want of a better word: Finish up work at AiG; move to Kansas City; attempt to find job; attempt to settle in room; attempt to find job, yet again; fill out 8 applications; make an emergency trip to Minneapolis; Grandpa dies; the long week before the funeral; the funeral; trip back to Kansas City with Dad; fill out more applications; another attempt at settling into my room; more applications; sit and wait.
Not too typical of a normal lifestyle, I suppose. But this is only from my life. I have no idea what other people are going through, but I'm sure that someone out there is having a worse time at it that I am. It's just the way life is.
But then I realized - I am trying to do this on my own. And then I chatted with a friend. At one point, he was looking for a job, and was having a hard time of it. He told me he had filled out 80-some applications. In our chat session, he said, "With me I got to the point where I said, 'God I have to have a job to survive. Please help me.' I got to the point where I thought I was going to have nothing and boom I got a job. It taught me God does stuff in His own time." And later in the session: "and so did I and it got to the point where I realized, 'God I can't do this on my own I desperately need You and I give it all to You. a couple days later I had two jobs."
And then my friend went on to say this: "Yeah He lets us mess it up so bad that we can't even move so we have no choice but to go to Him and He almost instantly fixes a problem that took us months to mess up." We're the ones that mess things up. Whether or not it's how we planned things, it's what happens. It's what happens when we don't let God have control. It doesn't take much for us to mess something up, and then we get ourselves into a fix. Then we get frustrated, upset, etc., and no one wants to be around us.
I don't know what clouded my vision, blinding me from seeing what really matters. What I let creep into my life caused so much doubt and confusion that I don't know what I want to do with my life. I had it all planned out, and then...
And then I don't know what. I let the cares of this world, and the treasures of the earth fill my life, and here I sit, trying to figure out who I am. Sitting and waiting for someone or something to fulfill the desires of my heart. But they can't be filled by anyone but God. I know that for a fact.
So why didn't I trust Him? Why didn't I allow Him to have total and complete access to my life? Why has it taken me this long to figure out that I can't do it all on my own? WHY???
I'm human. Plain and simple. Not an excuse, but a fact. Humans fall. Humans fail. That's the way it's been since the Garden of Eden. And that's the way it will be until the day we die.
But because I'm human, and I can't do it myself, I need to trust God. He's the One, the ONLY One, that can guide my life.
I'm near tears as I type this (emotional low, remember?). But maybe I'm at the climax. I think I'm actually getting it this time. Amazing.
I was listening to the radio while cleaning up the kitchen today, and a song played. One that I have on my iPod and have heard numerous times. But today, it was like hearing it for the first time. The song talks about God's promise to us as believers, and how it's a forever promise. We can grasp and hold on to that promise without any fear of it being taken away. I stood and cried as I listened. It goes as follows:

Promise of a Lifetime
Kutless

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

[CHORUS:]
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

[BRIDGE:]
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted

I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

It's not like it's a new revelation or anything like that. It's always been there, but I never reallly grasped onto it for myself.
Shame on me for not doing that in the beginning. Shame on me for not believing that God would give me something that would fit my needs and best glorify Himself in me. Shame on me for not being willing to change. Shame on me.

But now, I see that He will not fail me. I just need to not fail Him.

God, I know You're always there to hear my every prayer inside, and I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime. I hear the words you say to never walk away from me and leave behind the promise of a lifetime. But now, God, I ask that I will be faithful to You and that my life would reflect who You are. Please help me, because I can't do it on my own. My hands are empty and my heart is full of pain from the past, that I can't breathe. Please cleanse my heart and fill my hands with Your treasures. Help me be willing to cleanse my life of anything that You find displeasing. And please help me be able to do it without a backward glance. I'm tired of running away - I'm running to You. I'm tired of feeling like there's nothing worth living for - I want to live for You. I'm tired of acting - I want to be real. Please help me. Please be my Guide. Please be the One who fulfills my every desire. Please be the Lord of my life. I love You. I know I don't always show it or say it. But I do. Thank You for loving me enough to send Your One and Only Son to die on the cross for my sins. Please forgive me of the sins that I have committed against You that have caused a rift in our relationship. Help me not to let anything get in the way again. I am spent. I need You to hold me. I need You to guide me. In Jesus' name, amen.